Top 11 “Wirty Dords” of Babywearing

Babywearing… It’s a beautiful world full of sparkles, glamour, and unicorn dust… right?  I mean, what could possibly be considered a “dirty word” when all we want is to wear our babies in a colorful, custom-built baby holder?  Oh, friend!  If you ONLY knew!  If you are new to babywearing, you’ll see, and we will give you a crash course.  If you have been around the “bump, bump block” a few times, you’ll nod your head knowingly, you know…

So, without any additional pomp and circumstance, here are the

Top 11 “Wirty Dords” of Babywearing:

1. Poopsplosion: Oh the HORROR!!! Picture this – you’ve just finished a PERFECT double hammock in your brand-new custom handwoven when a less-than-pleasant odor begins to waft over your shoulder and straight to your nose.  Maybe it’s just gas you cross your fingers and hope.  But the smell only intensifies as your youngster begins to squirm. Then… you FEEL it.  Warmth.  Not sweet, little baby warmth but something a little more… intense.  We’ll let your imagination do the rest in describing this first and dirtiest of our “wirty dords”

2. Crotch-dangler: It’s no secret that one of the BIG wars “out there” is narrow versus ergonomically seated carriers.  But no matter which side of the coin you fall on, EVERYONE agrees that “crotch-dangler” is a pretty distasteful word and should be cautiously avoided.  It’s pretty dirty. Learn here what to say that might be a little “cleaner”.

3. Forward-facing: Almost as controversial as “crotch-dangler”, the second-most divisive word in babywearing is “forward-facing”.  We discussed our stance on forward-facing here, but suffice it to say that say this in any sort of an elitist way will NOT be well received and may ostracize new to babywearing parents.

4. Seat-popper: The seat popper.  The SEAT popper.  THE seat popper.  Otherwise known as the arch-nemesis of wrappers.  Be afraid.  Be very, very afraid.

5. Leaner: an alternative to “seat-popper”, this represents a delightful child DONE with being worn, upset with being restricted, or insistent on reaching that item momma doesn’t want him to touch

6. Baby-toucher: DON’T.  Just don’t.  Nothing will make mama bear come out faster than some crazy-eyed stranger coming up to rub your baby’s face… usually while she’s snuggled against your boob… probably breastfeeding.  If you don’t have clearly, verbally expressed permission – don’t touch.

7. Hair-puller: Oh!  The MAGICAL moment BEFORE a curious toddler discovers momma’s ponytail.  Back-wearing is wonderful, liberating… and then YANK!!! Holy Handwovens!!! Once they discover hair, I think I’d rather be tortured by a mob of slobbering Dobermans (PS – I hate bodily fluids…)

8. Stroller-insister: Strollers are great!  No doubt whatsoever that they are an important, maybe even critical piece of parenting gear.  But, there are those who insist that a baby carrier doesn’t hold a candle to a stroller.  To that I say…

9. Size-skeptic: No, my kid isn’t “too big” for this carrier.  Yes, he likes snuggling his mama.  No, it won’t stunt his growth/walking/development.  He actually started walking at 10 months old.  Would YOU rather chase him around if I let him down?

10. Stash-critics: You know… I don’t criticize YOUR shoe obsession or call out the size of your toenail clippings collection… If I choose to spend MY money on love-encapsulators for MY babies, what’s it to you?

11. Shopping-cart-pushers: Yes, I know there’s a handy little seat there, but have you EVER seen someone sanitize that thing??? And half the time the seatbelt is broken.  Besides, if I put one in the cart, and one in the seat of the cart, where would I put #3?

So there you go.  Our official Top 11 “Wirty Dords” of Babywearing. How does your list of babywearing dirty words line up?


Written by Jennifer Hoover

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